Silent film ‘pratfalls’ and piano accompaniment feature in a comedy farce by the ICI Billingham amateur theatre group, The Smoker, filmed around Stockton-on-Tees. Two salesmen for Fisons and ICI compete to sell fertiliser to a farmer, with varying degrees of success. The two endure calamities in equal measure as an explosion and seduction finally win the pitch for the old-fashioned ICI salesman. The film opens with a series of graphic logos, based on the ICI trademark. An E-Type Jaguar...

Silent film ‘pratfalls’ and piano accompaniment feature in a comedy farce by the ICI Billingham amateur theatre group, The Smoker, filmed around Stockton-on-Tees. Two salesmen for Fisons and ICI compete to sell fertiliser to a farmer, with varying degrees of success. The two endure calamities in equal measure as an explosion and seduction finally win the pitch for the old-fashioned ICI salesman. The film opens with a series of graphic logos, based on the ICI trademark. An E-Type Jaguar makes its way along long stretches of country road until it reaches the driveway of Bottle Hill Farm, Thorpe Thewles, just south of Wynyard Road, Stockton-on-Tees. A bearded man in a raincoat and trilby gets out of the Jaguar, knocks at the farmhouse (actually a Georgian house off Bank Terrace), his Fisons sales material in hand, and greets the farmer’s wife at the door in a smarmy way, enacting a sales patter and brandishing brochures. She sends him round the back to the farm yard. Meanwhile, another (vintage) open-topped car travels the same route to the farmhouse, in a more traditional, slow manner. A plump, resplendently moustached ICI salesman, wearing a deerstalker, bow tie and Knickerbocker suit, climbs out of the car, with difficulty. He parks next to the Jaguar and strokes the car with admiration, and a deep sigh. He too carries promotional brochures, advertising the rival company: “Rely on ICI”. He receives a much warmer reception from the farmer’s wife, who seems to be flirting with the fellow. He reciprocates. He is also sent round the back to the farm yard. The Hamilton Arms at Thorpe Thewles is glimpsed in the background. The farmer is trying to load bales of hay onto a trailer whilst listening to the Fisons salesman’s patter. The ICI salesman sneaks round the corner in the background to listen in. The farmer takes his pitchfork to a bale of hay and uncovers the snooping salesman, who then tries to sell his products. But the farmer shakes his head. Both salesman now stand either side of the farmer, competing in their sales pitch. The ICI salesman shows him a brochure that proclaims “Clean to handle”. He then puts a dollop of the fertiliser into the disgusted farmer’s hand. The Fisons salesman, however, places a clean, grain product into the farmer’s hands and appears to have a winning pitch. The ICI salesman produces another manual titled “Free-flowing ICI”. Each time he attempts to demonstrate the ICI claims for their product, it lets him down. “Packed in polythene” is countered by the Fisons brochure: “Plastic coated granules”. The farmer shakes his head. He is finding it hard to make a decision. The ICI salesman pulls out another brochure: “Quick-acting ‘Nitram’”. The Fison’s salesman pulls a face and proceeds to light his cigar. The ICI salesman scatters the nitram product across a patch of ground. The plants wilt and die. The Fisons salesman smirks and throws his cigar away. It lands on a sack of the ICI nitram fertiliser. There’s an explosion (represented as animation). The ICI salesman staggers from a cloud of smoke with a blackened face. The farmer tries to help. His labourer rushes over and leads him to the farm house. The farmer continues his conversation with the Fisons salesman. The ICI salesman collapses into the arms of the farmer’s wife. The labourer pushes him in and hands over his case. The suave Fisons salesman continues his persuasive pitch to the farmer. The farmer’s wife leads the injured ICI salesman into her bedroom and makes him comfy on the bed. She has an idea. She collects a glass and a towel from the bathroom. And another brainwave – she pours a bottle of something into the glass. She begins to doll herself up at the mirror. The farmer shakes hands with the successful Fisons salesman in the farm yard. A cow decides to shower the salesman in pee. The salesman starts to take his wet trousers down, the farm labourer leading him to his car. The farmer’s wife has transformed herself into a femme fatale and applies a final squirt of perfume, unbuttoning her dress to show more cleavage. She returns to the bedroom and the prone ICI salesman. She begins to wash the smoke off the salesman’s face. He regains consciousness and smiles broadly at his rescuer. She hands him the drink, which he gulps down happily. The farmer’s wife begins to seduce the salesman and the two almost kiss. Suddenly the farmer interrupts their flirtation. The wife quickly buttons up her dress. The farmer makes sure the ICI salesman is recovered and helps him to his feet. The wife decides to sell the ICI product to her husband, giving a sly wink to the salesman. The farmer changes his mind rather quickly. The salesman deftly hands him another brochure: “Order your Super New ICI N. 5 Now”. He is persuaded to buy more and more products. The three leave the bedroom. The incompetent (but ultimately successful) ICI salesman throws his brochures into the back seat and climbs into his car. Meanwhile, the Fisons salesman is in his underpants by the side of the road, smoke coming from his overheated Jaguar engine. The ICI salesman passes by snootily in his vintage car and drives off down the country road. The film ends with a modern-looking square ICI logo.